I Know That Everyone Gets Scared
by MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: What if the Hargreeves siblings did a little better?/ "When I was alive, sometimes I couldn't stand myself." He says quickly to catch Vanya's attention. And it does. "I always felt not in control, and when father made me do those things- I thought one day I'd disappear into my powers and just never come back."/ "You did."


**My first fic for this fandom! Hopefully I did the characters justice. Also posted on AO3.**

**NUMBER 4 – THE REHAB**

When Vanya enters the building, she is hit with the smell of sickness and sounds of hysteria. The long hallway is spacious, but when the receptionist's eyes meet hers, a wave of claustrophobia makes Vanya's blood freeze over.

The older woman takes in Vanya's loose-fitting clothes and unkept hair. "Signing in?"

"Visiting." She blurts before they can bolt the doors behind her.

"Hmm…" The woman opens a file. "Name and date of birth?"

* * *

"Hey, you're not Ashton Kutcher!" Klaus exclaims, then plops down in the chair anyway.

"No take backs." Vanya replies slyly. "You're stuck with me."

He sighs dramatically before running unsteady fingers through his hair, as if he could hide the chunks of vomit tangled between the oily strands. Withdrawal is a bitch.

"So," He leans forward, studying her. "what brings you to a place like this?"

"I was in the neighborhood."

"U-huh."

Vanya might have never been close to any of her siblings, but she can still see through Klaus's plastic smile.

"Why are you surprised?" She asks. Surely the others have visited… It's part of the reason it's taken her so long to come – she's been dreading running into them after the book fiasco.

"Surprised? I'm fascinated, that's all. Research for a sequel, perhaps?"

Vanya winces, looks away. She shouldn't have come, _of course _she isn't needed.

"Low blow, sorry. It's just…" He raises his voice dramatically. "I'm just having a really rough time right now-" He cuts off into a laugh. "Come on, lighten up."

"I'm no good at that." She admits.

Klaus shrugs. "Do drug, kids."

"Shh!" Vanya hisses because one of the orderlies is frowning.

Klaus looks like he's about to say something else completely inappropriate, but suddenly he doubles over, a violent shudder shaking his form.

"Klaus?" She looks at the orderly frantically, but the man seems uninterested. "Klaus?"

"'m fine." He shrugs it off and plasters another smile, but his limbs look even shakier. "I'll be good as new once I finally get my hands on the good stuff." His eyes shift, staring so intently Vanya can't help but follow his gaze, but all she sees is the empty chair next to her. "Yeah right." Klaus chuckles.

_You're a mess_, she doesn't say. Instead she scoots closer, trying to catch her brother's eyes. "If I could help…"

Klaus laughs.

And bitterly, Vanya almost joins him. _Her? Help anyone?_

"I guess you didn't get the memo, sis."

"What?"

"Lost cause." He points at his own chest. "Huh, maybe I should get that as a tattoo…"

"Don't say that."

The orderly clears his throat, now at their table.

"Oh," Vanya frowns. "Just one more minute."

The man looks annoyed but takes two steps back. Vanya turns back to Klaus. "I'll see you soon."

It's Klaus's turn to frown. It's not an expression one can catch on his face often. "Why did you come?"

"I wanted to see you."

"At some point during the last five years?"

Vanya shifts, uncomfortable at the reminder of just _how_ cut off from her family she's become. "I'm your sister."

Klaus laughs as if she's said something funny. "So?"

"Well," She glances at the inpatient orderly. "It's what we're supposed to do, isn't it?" She meets Klaus's blank expression. "In family."

"Time's up." The orderly grunts.

Vanya nods. She stands up and glances back at her brother. "I'll see you."

He might nod, but Vanya doesn't look back to see it. It's the only way she can leave her brother behind.

* * *

**NUMBER 6 – THE MEMORIAL**

That day Vanya wakes up to a world that is shifting. It's not a tangible shift, she can't see it with her eyes, but she hears it in the fluttering of her heart, reads it in the goosebumps on her skin, and feels it from the warmth in her veins.

Is this what grief looks like?

The house is silent, that means her siblings are out on a mission-

_Not today._

Today, she enters the kitchen and father, Luther, Diego and Allison are sitting in silence. Their faces are cold and pale, Vanya's never seen them so still.

"Number 7, you're late." Father says sternly.

"I'm sorry." She says automatically and sits. "Wh- where's Klaus?"

Father looks around the table, as if only now realizing there are only 4. "Bring him." He orders without turning.

Mom smiles. "Of course." How can she smile on a day like today?

They're still sitting in silence when mom comes back with Klaus trailing behind. He sits without looking at any of them, but Vanya catches sight of dark circles and puffy eyes.

For some reason, Vanya is reminded of Ben. Happy and loving, sad only when he thought they could not see. But Vanya always saw.

She thinks about how sometimes Ben would come listen to Vanya play. It happened after missions, when he came home covered in blood and couldn't meet any of their eyes. He'd sit on the edge of the bed, and sway to her tune.

* * *

Vanya smooths the edges of her black dress, turns in front of the mirror to look at herself form the side. The funeral starts in two hours, and she is painfully aware of the time ticking by. If only she had the power to stop time, maybe then she could pause the world for a moment to catch her breath.

How much trouble would she get in if she screamed? There's a crack in the mirror, Vanya notices and turns so that it can cross her reflection. She runs her hand over it.

When did it get there? She leans closer to stare at the mysterious crack. She imagines it as a scar in the world, left behind by this terrible day.

Suddenly she slams her palm against it, watching it grow.

_Again._

_And again._

Red against the edges of the crack. She stares at her hand and brings it across the middle of the mirror, smearing her own reflection in blood.

A sudden noise from behind, Vanya turns around with a startle and stares. Her floor is covered in shards… shards, from her glass? Did it fall?

Or maybe… maybe- "Ben?" She whispers. If ghosts exist, who's to say one can't give her a sign?

She picks up her violin, brushing off a few shards. Hour and a half to go. Vanya settles down, ignoring the glass cutting into her skin and brings the violin against her chin. She closes her eyes and thinks of Ben, sitting across from her and calling her music beautiful. She tries different notes and themes and melodies, pausing to scribble in her notebook when something sounds right. Until mom's calling her down to leave for the funeral and Vanya finishes the song by scribbling '**_B_**_efore __**E**__ndings (and) __**N**__otes_' at the front.

* * *

**NUMBER 7 – THE (EXTRA)ORDINARY**

Vanya is free. Free from the pills, the pain and disappointment, the constant failure to be anything but mediocre. She's free from father's disregard, and her siblings' indifference. And most of all, Vanya is free from the weight of loving her brothers and sister. Because looking back, loving them must have been the most exhausting thing she's ever done.

Now that she's free, she can float away with the music. Her fingers dancing across the strings, faster, and faster and _faster._

_Why did they come?_

To hurt you.

_To kill me._

Too late.

The music is in her bones. She _is_ the music. _They can't stop me now_.

_"Vanya…"_

_Who?_

_"Please… stop."_

_Never._

_"Vanya!"_

_But…_

"You're killing them!"

"Ben-" She chokes, and her fingers slip off the strings. She blinks, tries to understand. There's light everywhere, so bright she might go blind if the light wasn't an extension of her. There's Luther, Five, Diego and Klaus suspended in the air, struggling but alive. Alison trembling at her side. And-

"Ben." She says again.

Her brother- her _dead brother_ gasps. "You see me?"

Their gazes turn back to Klaus. Now she can see it – the twin beams of blue around his fists. He's doing this, she can feel it although not understand it. Her finger twitch with the need to keep playing. "A trick." She growls.

"I'm real." Ben rushes. "I'm just… a ghost."

Maybe. But- "It doesn't matter." She grips the violin, feels the energy trapped inside, struggling to get out.

Ben is desperate. "When I was alive, sometimes I couldn't stand myself." He says quickly to catch Vanya's attention. And it does. "I always felt not in control, and when father made me do those things- I thought one day I'd disappear into my powers and just never come back."

"You did."

He flinches, but then nods. "Yes. But I stayed anyway."

For what? Surely not for this? "Why?"

"Because, I'm your brother."

Vanya shakes her head. She's letting them distract her. Keep playing!

But Ben steps closer, putting them face to face. "That's what you do in family."

Vanya gasps as her head threatens to split in half.

She hates them. But she loved them as well, hadn't she? Despite all the crap. But does that make a difference now?

"Vanya?"

She breathes through the mess in her head. "I can't stop." Not now that she's finally free.

Ben nods in understanding he can't possibly possess. "Then… don't stop."

"What?"

He hesitates. "You wrote me a song once."

_Crack in her reflection; bloodied fingertips as she played again and again; putting her grief and all the things that came with into something she knew;_

How can he know?

Ben flickers and Vanya tenses to stop herself from rushing towards him. _He can't disappear yet_. But Klaus is wheezing, struggling not against his bonds, but to keep the connection with their brother. They don't have much time.

"I'm sorry, Vanya." Ben says as if _Vanya_ isn't the one off the rails.

She deflates, the fight leaving her. And she starts playing, this time the song that comes from her heart rather than her hatred.

And somehow the light dims, the waves of energy dispersing with each note. She thinks about the good things – drinks with Allison, playing around with Five when they were kids. _It wasn't all bad._

The world tilts and blackens, a contrast after her blinding light. Vanya groans, letting her grip on the violin loosen. It takes her a moment to realize it doesn't crash to the floor because she's already sprawled across it.

Allison is there, on her knees next to Vanya but not touching. She cranes her neck to see their brothers on the floor as well, struggling to get up. "Ben?" She asks, her voice hoarse. He's not there. It's like losing him all over and Vanya sobs, just once because it's all she can afford. "_Ben_?" She pushes herself to her knees.

She becomes aware of Diego shaking Klaus, who's gasping for air on the floor, otherwise motionless.

_What have I done?_

She crawls towards them but doesn't dare get too close. "_Klaus_?"

Diego meets her frightened eyes. "It's okay." He forces a comforting smile. "You're _okay_, right?" He asks pointedly.

"I-" Don't know…

"Sorry." Klaus groans, catching their attention. He's struggling to open his eyes and Vanya is struck by how disappointed he looks. "I can't keep him- the drugs- I'm not-" He trials off to try to catch his breath. "I'm sorry."

"Klaus… what you just did was incredible." Vanya reassures, unable to stand that look in his eyes. "It was enough." She adds. It's probably a lie, but Klaus seems to relax.

"Get some rest." Luther urges.

"But…" Klaus looks between Vanya and Luther.

_He's afraid of you._

"Don't try anything." Klaus says. And _God_, he's talking to Luther. He's afraid _for_ her.

"We won't." Luther says hesitantly. And Klaus finally loses the battle with consciousness.

* * *

Vanya is staring at her reflection in the window. If she looks close enough, will she see the madness in her eyes? She leans closer, squirms, but the girl staring back is too distorted by the rain. Outside it's pouring, the kind of rain that's so violent you wonder if it will ever stop.

It's lucky Diego found the motel… or Vanya thinks it was Diego. The entire day is hazy, bits and pieces – music and screaming and rage so strong she could've burst into flames. She remembers Allison all too clearly, but she can't think about that.

The others are in the next room, pretending they aren't fighting. All but Klaus, who hasn't moved since Luther laid him on the bed. She's surprised they trust her not to murder him in his sleep, all things considered. They did want someone to stay with her, but they must have wanted to be part of the conversation more.

If Vanya's powers are tied to her emotions, it's probably best she's away from them anyway. The sight of Luther is enough to send her into panic - safety bleeding into betrayal and fear and _oh God, he's going to kill me_.

She still flinches from Diego and his anger. _'What is she still doing here?'; 'You've got nerve showing up after what you did.'_

And she can't look at Allison, not without spiraling out of control. Again.

She supposes Five is safe, but then again, he's basically a stranger who also happened to spend years secluded in the aftermath of _her_. He must hate her.

They all do. That's why they're arguing, they want to kill her before she has a chance to get back to ending the world. She bets Allison is sticking up for her again, she does that for some reason. Maybe it's those motherly instincts, or perhaps just guilt.

She contemplates escaping out the window. She could move to the depths of Russia and pretend to be an only child. At least if she did that, she couldn't hurt them again.

But… it's still raining, and it looks so _cold_, Vanya can feel the chill through the window and it makes her shiver. She leans her forehead against the glass.

"Vanya."

Startled, she turns to see Five, a strange expression on his face. She can still hear the others arguing, what is Five thinking?

"Let's leave." He says.

"Leave?" She panics - he's going to drop her off the edge of the world and-

"I was thinking Hawaii." He tilts his head and Vanya recognizes his expression as the 'I have an idea and you idiots aren't going to change my mind' look. "Well it can be anywhere, but I was thinking some place warm."

"I'm confused."

"Separate the reacting elements to form a stable equation." He takes in her blank expression and sighs. "I'm trying to give you room to breathe."

"From them?"

"Well, I'm hoping I haven't given you reason to want to kill _me_."

Vanya runs her hands over her face. She is so tired. "I don't know Five. I don't know anything."

"I disagree. You're very insightful. Certainly better than me when it comes to noticing what matters."

She wants to say he's just saying that, but then Five doesn't ever _just say_ anything.

Five used to play with her when they were kids, unlike the rest of their siblings he didn't care if she was different. But that was before he ran out the door and never came back, and when he did he returned as a stranger, pushing Vanya way. It would've broken her heart if the pills hadn't taken the sting away.

She's reminded of that boy now - the one she made sandwiches for every night. Her lips twitch on their own accord. "Hawaii?"

Five shrugs. "I can teach you how to control it. You know I'm good at that stuff."

"And them?" She points at the wall.

"They're idiots, but they'll come around. When _you're_ ready for them to."

The thought of not being alone in this brings overwhelming relief. But she allowed herself to feel that with Leonard, and then with Luthor when she ran into his arms, and where did that get her?

_What if he puts you in a new box?_

"I hope you're not planning on going to Hawaii without me…" Comes a weak voice form the bed. Klaus opens his eyes to look around the room.

Five observes him. "How do you feel?"

Klaus seems surprised, Vanya notices this because it's the look he would give each time she visited him in rehab. "Too sober." He tries to play it off. "So, what's this about an escape?"

Five is frowning. "Klaus-"

"You know, after an ordeal like that, a tan would make me feel _so_ much better… Ben agrees with me." He adds and then casts a sly smile at the empty space beside Vanya.

"He should come." Vanya tells Five shyly. Afterall, Klaus is the safest one of them all. He's probably the last person on the planet who would judge her.

Klaus beams. "Then it's decided."

Five scowls. "I hardly think-"

"Hey, listen to the girl who can blow up the world!" Klaus says quickly, then seems to realize what he just said. Wide-eyed he looks at Vanya.

But he said it so lightly and humorously that Vanya almost smiles. Because his voice holds no resentment, and also because it's Klaus and Klaus says things like that all the time.

"It's okay." She assures.

Five sighs, closes his eyes like he's counting to three in his head. "Fine. As long as we do it now." He says and holds out his hands.

They land in Hawaii and leave the rain behind. Vanya smiles, hope blooming in her chest. They will build their family back together, it just won't happen today.


End file.
